We’re in the 21st century so you probably read the book, seen it in a hashtag form or heard someone call themselves like that. Google it, and you’ll find pens, t-shirts, diary’s and hats on sale rtwing off the same bold-lettered phrase: GIRLBOSS
I don’t know if I can call myself a feminist, but I believe in equality, I believe in women’s rights and I believe that women are remarkable. The older I grow the more invested I am in this subject and the prouder I get when I hear stories about women supporting and inspiring one another. Yet this one little phrase makes my skin crawl.
I’m the first person to point a finger at myself and admit that I am my own biggest critic. I’ve never really been great at cheering for myself but since last August, things have only gone worse in that department. You see, that’s when I decided to leave my secure job (which I loved, might I add) and do what at that point seemed like the Idea of The Century: set up my own business.
The last time I wore high heels for a full day I fell and headbutted a pensioner…
I know exactly what a lot of you will think now because that is what I used to think when I heard someone say these magic words. You’ll think: She’s brave, good on her, that’s fantastic, another Girlboss joining the group.
The phrase Girlboss used to make my stomach churn because I wanted to be one so badly. From afar it seemed glamorous and exciting and almost unreachable and I think I thought that if I could just manage to be my own boss, the world will suddenly be perfect. My Instagram account will look like a pastel dream, I’ll be strutting my stuff on high heels from 8am-5pm and people will be asking ME for business advice for a change.
The reality of it is that my Instagram still looks like an amateur scrapbook with far too many pictures of my cat, the last time I wore high heels for a full day I fell and headbutted a pensioner and if anyone would ask me business-related questions, I would curl up on the floor and whimper.
The issue here isn’t that I feel the way I do – realistically, I can’t be the only one. Starting a new business is some life-changing, scary shit and unless you are Wonderwoman and all the stars all aligned especially for you, you will struggle.
The issue is that most of the time, I’m made to think that by feeling like I do, I am failing. That me being insecure, scared, sceptical and often lonely means that I should probably stop what I’m doing, and I am not cut out for running my own company (what a load of crap).
What social media and society are telling me is that honesty and vulnerability are big no-no’s if you want to be a Girlboss.
I’m a huge Instagram addict and while I love scrolling through it 50 times a day I am painfully aware that it is constantly making me feel less than I am. It’s a subject we keep talking about, yet nothing seems to change. The fact is that looking at other women’s #girlboss-riddled, seemingly perfect life/appearance/home/business is making many of us, simply put, feel.like.shit.
What social media and society are telling me is that honesty and vulnerability are big no-no’s if you want to be a Girlboss. Well let me tell you, I no longer want to be one. After only spending 7 months trying to get ‘promoted’ to this position I am now stepping aside because clearly, this is not for me.
Because let’s face it, I’m a 28-year-old girl struggling with insomnia, stress eating, making a million mistakes and wanting to bang my head against the wall on a daily basis – all due to the fact that I am building a business. On a good day, I will sit down and battle through my mile-long to-do list and keep telling myself: you’ve got this, baby. But who am I kidding? I absolutely do not have this at all. In the best case scenario, I kind of, sort of, sometimes have it. AND THAT IS OKAY. Because I’m also a 28-year-old girl who loves what she does and worked her ass off to be where she is now.
Like I said, I am my own biggest critic. And while it’s very unlikely that you’ll see me using the trendy G hashtag anytime soon, I am hoping to achieve something a hell of a lot harder than being a Girlboss: kinder to myself.